Why Do Same-Sex Couples Want to Marry?

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(This article originally posted on June 25, 2013 as part of my June 2013 Perspectives and Photographs column.  I’m re-posting it to separate it out because it’s so long and readers can focus on it better this way.)

Dover Stone Church, Dutchess County, Hudson Valley March 10 2013
(double-click for full images)

Because the issue of the legalization of same-sex marriage has no impact on me personally, I really haven’t put much thought into it.  When I’ve come across articles on the topic, they’re about arguments for and against it.   I’ve never come across an article or conversation about the specific reasons gay couples want to get married in the first place.

Social Conditioning

In other words, because marriage is something we’re taught to do.  For me, this is the weakest reason.  Ever take a critical thinking class?  This reason falls under the fallacies (arguments that use poor reasoning) of “”history” (because that’s how it’s always been done) and “popularity” (because everyone else does it).   On its own, this is a bad reason.  For one thing, the divorce rate alone makes the idea of anyone getting married questionable, gay or straight.  Four of my brothers got married, three got divorced and two remarried.  Gay couples could be free of the shackles of how relationships are defined and they have the opportunity to define their own relationships.  Once gay marriage becomes legal, gay people will face the same pressure to get married straight people currently have to contend with.  Many closeted gays already know the awkward stressful guilt of being asked, “Why aren’t you married?”.  The implied thinking is that you’re a failure unless/until you’re married.  Gay marriage proponents really should have thought it out more.

The biggest inhibitor to people being allowed to be different  (within reason) is the concern for what other people think, which is massively flawed the but the reason a lot of people do what they do.  People feel they aren’t allowed to think for themselves.

Empire State Building, Metropolitan Life Insurance Company Tower, view from my balcony, New York City, November 1, 2009 6:38pm

I recently had a conversation with a retired couple where the husband several times said, “We travel because they say that’s what you’re supposed to do when you retire.”  He looked downward each time with resignation in his voice as though he was obligated to travel because it had been dictated to him.  What??  You travel because you want to travel, not because someone else told you that’s what you’re supposed to do.  This guy clearly was never introduced to the concept of independent thought.  If you don’t get it at an early age, you never will and people who are individual and independent thinkers will confuse and frustrate you.  The fear of being perceived as being different is very constricting and very prevalent.  We’d all be better off not being judgmental about the lives and choices of other people.  One of my ever-growing list of mantras is “I wish everyone well but I don’t need to know anyone else’s business.”  Another is “Other people’s personal lives are not a hobby.”  I lived in New York City for eight years and those statements have no meaning there.  A surprising majority of people I worked with and shared an apartment building with really thought it was their right to know everything about me.  I’m not even that interesting.

Westbound, The San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge, December 8, 2012 11:10am

An even bigger argument against this reason is that I’ve always thought it was flawed for same-sex couples to pattern themselves after straight, conventional, married families.  Again, I’m trying to come from a positive perspective.  Same-sex couples have the unique opportunity to ignore convention and define their own relationship, which two people do with each other and in complete disregard of what other people think or how they present themselves as a couple to other people.  They shouldn’t pattern themselves after traditional married couples for the simple reason that they aren’t the same.  That’s by definition.  Once you want/try to adopt defining traits of the opposite gender then everything gets confusing and is a whole other topic.  Let’s keep it simple and reasonable.

Validation

I stand corrected and the first reason listed is now relegated to the #2 position in terms of being the worst reason to get married.  Doing anything strictly for the purpose of validation is just weak, despite how often people do things for exactly that reason.  Again, the fallacy of popularity comes into play here as does the issue of insecurity.

Religious Reasons

In other words, because marriage is one of your religion’s “magical steps to heaven”, which is a phrase that first came to mind when I was about eight.  (I was raised Catholic and this sarcasm occurred to me as I went through the paradoxical hell of Sunday school – specifically CCD or the Confraternity of Catholic Doctrine.  By comparison, mass wasn’t bad.  I didn’t know what CCD stood for until just now.)  If religion has nothing to do with your desire to get married or if your religion is OK with same-sex marriage, ignore this section.

I can block this shot even before it leaves your hands.  When you are part of or join a religion (or any organization), you implicitly abide by its rules and limitations, which are usually why you’re part of or join an organization in the first place.  If you can’t do that, leave or don’t join.  Expecting a religion to change for you is like marrying someone with the intention of changing them.  It’s irrational, unreasonable and selfish.

Central Park, New York City, October 29, 2006 1:38pm

The Ceremony

Female same-sex couples get a pass here.  For most women, their wedding day is a defining moment and one they might plan for and dream about from doll-playing age.  If anything, playing with dolls conditions them to the idea of being a wife and mother from a very early age.  For two women in a relationship to want to get married for this reason makes sense.

I’ve never known a guy to talk about anticipating his wedding day, specifically the ceremony, and that’s often even when his wedding is in the process of happening.  For most men, the ceremony is an unavoidable formality they can’t wait to get over with.  (Bachelor parties and receptions, while related, are another thing entirely.)  You’d think two guys in a relationship would be relieved that they didn’t have to be bothered with the ceremony and its formality and complications, which lie mainly in its expense and coordination.  For me, two men wanting to get married specifically for the ceremony is counter-intuitive and non-thinking and goes back to my points under Social Conditioning.

Spousal Health Benefits

This is the most practical, fair, understandable, and vital reason for getting married.  The health and even lives of people are on the line.  If two people are in a mutually committed, loving relationship, they shouldn’t be penalized for living an honest life and prevented from living a full one, including the security provided by spousal benefits.  Nobody’s looking for special treatment here, just equal treatment.

Pulgas Water Temple, Redwood City, CA, May 19, 2011 12:28pm

Tax Benefits

A more mechanical version of spousal health benefits and legitimate for the same reasons.  It’s at this point I need to point out that all the reasons I’m listing are under the supposition that those involved would still be a committed couple even if the issue of marriage did not come into play.  Marriages of convenience, by virtue of their fraudulent nature, are so intuitively wrong that the only time I’m even acknowledging them is in this sentence.

Surviving Spouse Rights (added June 28, 2013)

I’m adding this reason late to make this piece more complete and, mostly, to point out how it makes no sense for me to omit this reason because it’s the reason I feel most strongly about.  This issue matters to me because I feel terrible when I see news stories where the survivor in an unmarried relationship is robbed of surviving spouse rights by their partner’s family, whose rights are implicit if the couple is not married.  These families can only come across like heartless scavengers, especially since it gives them the last laugh and is almost vindication of their disapproval of the couple’s relationship and lifestyle.  Those stories stick with me long after I see them because it’s tragic to have your life taken from you after the worst thing that could possibly happen occurs.  Luckily, as we now know, DOMA has been repealed.  Now it’s up to the remaining states to decide the legalization issue.

My yard, Dutchess County, Hudson Valley, April 30, 2013 10:29am

Because You Want To

Personally, the only reason I need.  I never implied you had to have a specific reason to want to get married.  The subject just drew my curiosity and there usually is some sort of underlying motivation.  I don’t need a reason.  You have my blessing.  Just honor the commitment and know going in that these relationships require a lot of effort (anything worthwhile takes work), thought, patience and resourcefulness.  You have to pay attention and you have to listen.  Too many people have one eye on the exit when things get rough and things will get rough.   You both will evolve as individuals and your relationship can evolve exponentially as a result.  Marriages and intimate relationships in general will test your problem-solving and negotiating skills like nothing else because, by their nature, they’re so intensely personal.  A good relationship is easily worth the challenge.  Using exercise as a metaphor, the more you put into it and the smarter your efforts are, the more you’ll get out of it.  Actually, that serves as a metaphor for anything you do.

The Arguments Against Same-Sex Marriage (not consistent with the rest of this piece but I still want to address it)

Religious – Legitimate by definition.  Rules are rules.  Changing them is another issue.  Or join a religion that allows it.  I don’t know (or care to know) enough about religions to know which, if any, do.

Xenophobia, Hate and Bigotry – Never, ever justifiable.  No need for elaboration here.  My elaborations are clumsy, anyway.

Lake Placid, New York, June 4, 2008 6:30pm

My own single experience with same-sex marriage – and it’s a non-experience on several levels – was in 1981 when I was invited to a male same-sex wedding ceremony.  With complete sincerity and naiveté I asked, “Can they do that?”  I was told they couldn’t do it legally and it wasn’t a binding ceremony but the couple wanted to show their commitment to each other in a ceremony in front of their friends.  Even the promise of a wedding cake wasn’t enough and I passed, wished everyone a good time, and told them to let me know how it went.  I was told the ceremony was beautiful and very emotional and everyone cried.  I knew I shouldn’t have asked.  I fought to keep my eyes from rolling to the back of my head and for good reason, as it turned out.  Four months after the beautiful and emotional ceremony, one of the guys that got married booted the other out onto the street.

I’m not implying anything here and I realize it’s not the most positive note to end on.  I just wanted to share my one sort-of experience on the subject.  You know the impact of first impressions.  I’ve known gay couples that got legally married but I’ve never been to a ceremony.  When I see news footage of gay wedding ceremonies the concept is still so funny to me – because, again, I’ve put so little thought into it — that I feel like I’m watching comic satire, like the legendary SNL synchronized swimming sketch with Harry Shearer and Martin Short (left).  Unless what I’m writing here is pissing you off, I’ll bet that reference made you smile.

Pacific Ocean and Channel Islands from Highway 101 near Santa Barbara, December 30, 2012 5:32pm

Let’s hope all the barriers to the legitimization and legalization of gay marriage fall and do so in a constructive and forward-moving way.  Let’s hope equally that the right, once attained, is not abused in any way and that the people who take their mutual commitment to the level of marriage do so with the full intention of being responsible for making it not only work but as a guarantee that both people will do everything they can to make the relationship constantly grow in as many ways as a relationship can grow.  Besides, one thing we don’t need more of is divorce lawyers.

Now I’m hungry for butter cream frosting wedding cake.  I still lack enough shame that I’ll spoon up gobs of frosting left on the sheet and put them on my plate.  Wedding cake is a better reason for people to get married than the ceremony itself.

I’m going to find that synchronized swimming sketch on the internet or Netflix streaming.

DPW

June 25, 2013

(Re-posted April 18, 2014)

Added March 26, 2018:

Here’s an article on Anna Faris questioning the point of marriage.  More people should ask that.

https://pagesix.com/2018/03/26/anna-faris-doesnt-believe-in-marriage-anymore/?_ga=2.98134940.2029427200.1520373709-1623359007.1518371103

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